


Drunken Buzzfeed Employees Debate Who Has The Cutest Boyfriend

by Anonymous



Series: Buzzfeed Panders [2]
Category: Buzzfeed The Try Guys (Web Series), Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Drinking, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, True Love, shane eugene and andrew gushing about their boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 15:25:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19134823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: As the title implies the producers at Buzzfeed get Shane, Andrew, and Eugene plastered and film them gushing about how much they love their boyfriends.





	Drunken Buzzfeed Employees Debate Who Has The Cutest Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> Idk man, there's surprisingly a lot of Buzzfeed videos about getting drunk and testing stuff but I just wanted these boys to to gush about their boyfriends because they love them so much!

Admittingly, the video was more about fan service then whatever bullshit the exects wanted them to taste test. It was two videos actually, Shane, Andrew, and Eugene were called in to taste and rank different types of liquor, and trust them when they say it was quite a lot of liquor. They were all relatively hammered by the end of it, even Eugene, because not only was it a lot of liquor but it was strong too. Though out of everyone in the office they were the three to beat when it came to drinking, Andrew and Eugene being extremely good at holding down their liquor and Shane due to his ginormous size and the amount of shots it takes to get him even a little buzzed.

So, that was one video down.

The second video consisted of a few more drinks and some questions from the producer:

“So, who do you guys think has the cutest boyfriend?”

They all react at exactly the same time, slurred and groggy, “Me.”

A pregnant pause as all three men stared each other down in surprise and challenge while the crew giggled behind camera.

“Excuse you, have you seen my boyfriend?” Eugene huffed, slamming down his drink on the table for emphasis.

“Yes, but have you seen mine?” Andrew countered.

“You both need to get you eyes checked,” Shane scoffed, taking another swig of his drink “like, have you seen Ryan’s arms?”

“Yeah, but Zach’s got a cute butt!” Eugene argued.

“Steven’s got a cute butt and a cute face to go along with it!” Andrew snarked.

“Are you saying by boyfriend is ugly?” Eugene glowered at him, shoulders squared “Because if you are I ain’t afraid to beat a hoe right now, Ilnyckyj!”

Andrew rolled his eyes and waved him off casually, “No, no, I’m not saying that, I’m saying Steven’s better. They’re both cute but Steven’s better, it’s just facts. Logic, even!”

“You wouldn’t know logic if it bit you in the ass,” Shane snorted “you two were making heart eyes at each other for years and neither of you noticed. You may know about quality food but that doesn’t transition for quality people.”

“Pot calling the kettle black.” Eugene snickered, taking another sip of his drink.

“Oh, don’t even get me started on you!” Shane said, point an accusing finger at the man in question.

“I think we’re getting off topic,” The producer chuckled “have you guys come to a conclusion yet?”

“Okay, let’s set up some ground rules,” Andrew interjected “we’ll go by category: looks, personality, flaws, and…what’s another thing?”

“How funny they are?” Eugene suggested.

“Doesn’t that go under personality?” Shane asked.

“No, no, no,” Andrew shook his head, a comedically serious look on his face “cuz we’re all gunna say they’re funny but we have to figure out who’s more funny.”

Shane nodded in understanding, took another sip of his drink and said, “Well, obviously Ryan’s the most attractive looking because, again, have you seen him and his arms?”

“Steven’s smile is literal sunshine projected into a physical form,” Andrew said dramatically “his laughter puts babies to shame and puppies could only wish they had his eyes!”

“Zach is literally a tiny portable kitten,” Eugene said “he is trying his best in life and everybody should appreciate that!”

“Yeah, but he’s also a whiny baby.” Andrew countered.

“Well, Steven’s an annoying child sometimes.” Eugene snarked.

“He can be a bit much sometimes; you have to agree.” Shane added.

Andrew glared at him and deadpan said, “Ryan believes in ghosts.”

“Mmh, yeah.” Eugene agreed.

“Okay, low blow: one,” Shane huffed “two: it’s an endearing quality of his.”

“He’s obsessed with murder.” Andrew waved his hand for emphasis.

“To be honest we’re both kind of obsessed with murder,” Shane admitted “which I am perfectly fine with.”

Eugene raised his hands in surrender, “Look, you guys do you, all we’re saying is that if some one in the office is ever found dead you two will be the first suspects.”

Shane rolled his eyes, “It’s funny how you think we’re weird for enjoying a little murder mystery stories while you and Zach are SO much worse.”

“He’s got a point,” Andrew said before smiling smugly “and neither of you can say anything about me and Steven because we’re just big foodies. Which is a normal thing for both single people and couples.”

“Yeah, but Steven’s got some expensive taste though,” Eugene countered “caviar, gold, and truffles; he is one spoiled, spoiled boy.”

“He’s a fancy boy! Besides, it’s not like he’s going out every weekend demanding we eat these specific things.” Andrew argued.

“But you have to admit you spoil him way too much sometimes,” Shane stretched back in his chair before slumping forward onto the table “he has you wrapped around his little finger.”

“Once again, pot calling the kettle black.” Eugene giggled, finishing up his drink and pushing the glass away.

“Excuse me?” Shane lifted his head from the table to glare at Eugene who’s smile was as sly as a Cheshire cat “Oh, you know exactly what I mean.”

Shane scoffed childishly, cheeks red mainly from the alcohol but also from embarrassment, “Look, I indulge him sometimes but at least I’m not constantly wrapped around him like a boa constrictor.”

“He’s like a Tamagotchi pet,” Eugene defended “he needs constant love and affection every hour or he’ll die. I’m just being a good boyfriend!”

“Did you just call your boyfriend a Tamagotchi pet?” Andrew cackled, rubbing his hands over his face.

“If we’re honest that’s basically how all boyfriends are,” Eugene shrugged “feed it, play with it, make sure it doesn’t get too dirty, it’s – it’s all pretty straight forward but still very easy to fuck up.”

Shane raised an eyebrow in agreement while Andrew squinted at him, “Did…did you just make a deep metaphor about…boyfriends being like Tamagotchis?”

“Yes,” Eugene said nonchalantly “anyways, Zach is the cutest, next question!”

“No! We did not agree to that!” Shane squawked.

\---

“What do you like best about your significant other?” The producer asked.

The boys were slumped over each other in various states of inebriation, eye lids heavy and cheeks flushed red. They all let out a deep sigh, faces hilariously serious and deep in thought as if this was the most important question in the world. Eugene stretched lazily before slumping half his body over the table, his cheek pressed against it’s cool surface.

“Can we give more then one answer?” Eugene asked.

“Of course.” The producer chuckled alongside the crew.

“I like…how Steven’s always excited about the things he’s passionate about,” Andrew smiled, goofy and more than a little love struck “like – like he could have seen or done the thing a million times before but he’ll always get excited about it every single time.”

“Zach gets this…look,” Eugene mumbled “like this wide-eyed look, like, surprised or something. It’s like – it’s like, his eyes f-fucking sparkle or some shit and it’s amazing. It’s like…everything good in the world got put into that look.”

“When Ryan asked me to do Unsolved with him, I said yes, of course, because he was my friend,” Shane said, cheek in hand “but then…he smiled at me so wide and I was like: ‘fuuuuck!’ Because that was the best smile I’ve ever seen in my entire life and since that day I knew I was fucked because I knew – I knew I’d spend the rest of my life trying to make him smile like that again. I didn’t even know I liked him and I still thought that!”

“At first I thought Steven was this overly giddy, somewhat annoying guy,” Andrew admitted “he still is but then we kept talking and…I just kind of fell in love with his giddiness. So, like af-after finishing up the first season of Worth It with him he turned to me and kind of apologized because he thought he had been a bit too much, or something, and said that it was okay if I didn’t want to come back next season. I said that it was fine and he didn’t need to apologize for anything because that was the most fun I’ve had in a while, which was true.” Andrew bit his lip thoughtfully, his crooked smile unsuccessfully hidden “And then…he looked at me all surprised and he smiled and laughed and he just…lit up the entire room, basically.”

“The first time I realized I liked Zach was when he was over at my house and we were watching Jurassic Park together,” Eugene explained “and…it wasn’t even anything extraordinary or something new that I noticed or whatever. We were in sweats, eating pizza, and I said something funny and he laughed and I just…looked at him. Because for some reason that’s all I could do, watch as he laughed with half a pizza hanging out of his mouth and just kind of realize that…I really like seeing him like this. I like seeing him happy.”

“Ryan’s really brave,” Shane sighed, half exasperated and half dreamily “I-I know I give him a lot of shit with all his little ghosties and ghouls but even when he’s freaked out and scared out of him mind, he’ll keep going. I know some people think it’s more stubbornness but honestly stubbornness can only take you so far. I’m stubborn but as soon as I find something that remotely freaks me out, I automatically nope out of there. Ryan…Ryan doesn’t, which is why he was the one to asked me out first.”

“Cuz you were too chicken shit?” Eugene teased.

“Don’t talk to me about being chicken shit, you hypocrite.” Shane smirked while Andrew snickered at Eugene’s reddening face who flipped them off.

“Also, I like Steven’s pouty face because his lips are like, mmh,” Andrew makes a vague gesture with his hand before bringing it in to bit the tip of his thumb “just…yes, okay.”

“Like you want to take a bite out of them?” Shane smiled cunningly to which Andrew replied with a glare but made no move to protest against the statement.

“Well, to be fair we all know what part of Ryan you want to take a bite out of.” Eugene cackled.

Shane shrugged, unashamed, “He has really nice arms, like, have you seen them? Also, aside from his amazing ass, my favorite part is that little dip,” Shane made a small swooping curve with his hands “on his lower back just above his ass because…it’s just…yes, okay.”

“Okay, so like Zach is really skinny but still very soft around the torso and arms and whatever” Eugene rambled “like I had been used to being with people with more muscle definition and that’s nice and whatever but,” Eugene bit his bottom lip with a giddy sort of expression “without pressing too hard I can, like, run a hand along his spine and over his hip bone and he’ll just…melt. It’s awesome.”

The producer awkwardly cleared their throat as the three men continued to stare off in thought with a heated glaze over their eyes. “M-maybe we should move on?”

“Yeah, we probably should.” Andrew giggled unapologetically, along with the other two.

\---

“What’s it like to be in love?” The producer asked and the three men looked up at them in surprise as if caught off guard by the question. Again, they were pulled into deep thought, clumsily going through their foggy minds to find the right words that would fit together well enough to make sense.

“Listen, listen,” Eugene began “there is no such thing as ‘finding your better half’ because you’re already a whole person. What you’re looking for is…something different from what you thought you wanted. Like it’s something you never thought you’d ever see being apart of your life but now you have no idea how you’ve managed to live without it all this time. Without them.”

“It kind of brings out flavor in your life that you never realized could be so good,” Andrew went on “like, it’s always been there right within reach but you’ve never truly realized it’s value until they come into your life. And they pull from you this – this richness of flavor that you never realized you could be.”

“You’ve always viewed the world one way your entire life,” Shane said “nothing and nobody could change it, it was bleak and pointless because that’s just how life is in reality. But here comes this person who thinks the complete opposite of all of that and you’re left to wonder why? Learning why doesn’t necessarily change your outlook on life but it makes it a bit more bearable with somebody to bicker and laugh with.”

“Also, the sex is great.” Eugene snickered.

Andrew and Shane giggled alongside him, “Yeah.”

Silence and awe filled the room as the crew slowly processed the deep and meaningful words of wisdom from the three drunken idiots in front of them. Speaking of which, they continued to giggle and chortle like immature teenagers, it was like they hadn’t even realized the deep and emotionally complicated thing they just said before ruining it.

But still, the producer was unwavered when trying to round up and redirect drunken idiots, “Why do you love your significant other?”

That got them to be quiet, again, each deep in thought as if trying to search for the answer to the universe. It was kind of a fascinating thing to witness, to see these three shift from giggly drunks to stony and serious.

This time it was Andrew who spoke first, “I love Steven because…because…because he’s Steven. I don’t know, really.”

“You were just listing a bunch of reason earlier.” The producer sounded confused and maybe a bit frustrated, dealing with three drunken men could only be entertaining for so long.

“Well, yeah, those are all things I love _about_ him but that’s not _why_ I love him,” Andrew clarified, laying his cheek against the crook of his elbow “you don’t know why – why you love someone, it just happens. It makes no sense, it’s confusing, its dizzy, it makes you wanna throw up.”

“It has no logic!” Shane said with a frustrating sigh “I don’t like sports! A-and Ryan believes in ghost but not Big Foot, and it’s stupid! But – But I love all that and I don’t know why!”

“Zach does…” Eugene began “…completely normal and mundane stuff…that everybody else in the world does, but I love that he does them because it’s him doing it. Like…I love the way that he washes dishes cause he’s humming and bobbing his head around to music he has playing on his phone and it’s such a normal thing, fucking Keith and Ned do it all the time, but I love the way Zach does it because…he’s Zach! And I love him!”

Shane scrubbed his face roughly, squishing his cheeks as he sighed, “He’s just…he’s Ryan and he’s goofy and a dork and obsessed with Paddington and the Lakers and believes in Underwater Area 51,” He laughed giddily, self-consciously hiding his blushing face behind his hands “and it’s all really, really dumb and weird and ridiculous and…and…and I love every thing about it. I love everything about him.”

“Everything about him just…pulls me towards him,” Andrew mumbled softly, clear love and devotion glazed over his eyes as well as a hint of melancholy “when he m-moved to New York I-I was in…complete agony. I didn’t know i-it was possible to hurt like that and not just, like, internally but it physically sometimes hurt to be without him. It-it was a crushing weight on my stomach and I couldn’t breathe.” Andrew fiddled with the tips of his fingers, and whispered so softly that the mike he was wired to could barely pick up what he said “But he was happy so…I held my breathe for him and…I didn’t let go until he came back two and a half years later.”

Silence echoed throughout the studio once more only to be broken by Eugene quiet “Fuck!” which was wet and mumbled through his fingers as he faced away from the camera. Shane looked between the two men with confusion and concern etched onto his face, sober or drunk the tall gangly man didn’t really know how to comfort people. He settled by placing a firm hand on Andrew’s back and giving it a few soft pats before turning towards Eugene and asking: “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Eugene waved him off as he furiously scrubbed at his cheeks.

Andrew stared at him with a guilty expression, “S-sorry, I kind of brought the mood down.”

“No, no, no, it-it’s not – it’s not…” Eugene inhaled sharply, desperately trying to settle the tremor in his voice “it’s just here you are pouring your heart out a-and…and all I could think about was that one-time Zach went on vacation to this wedding and he took a picture with this girl and posted it on Snapchat,” The lump returned to Eugene’s throat and his voice cracked just a little “w-we weren’t even together yet and I had no right to be jealous or petty or angry but I was because…just for a moment I thought I lost my chance with him, even if I probably never had one to begin with. And I was just a mess, I didn’t leave my house that entire weekend he was gone, I didn’t answer any calls or texts.”

Eugene took a steady breath, whipping under his damp eyes with the heel of his palm as Andrew awkwardly rubbed his arm in what he hoped was in a comforting sort of way, “Then he came back and he told us she was just a friend of his but of course I didn’t believe him, because I was stupid. But even so, I just…couldn’t be angry any more. He just looked so happy in that picture and…I wanted him to be happy. And that’s…when I gave up on him,” Eugene chuckled and sniffled slightly “until he asked me out.”

“Being in love is a lot more depressing then you think.” Shane wheezed, causing everybody to laugh along with him, breaking thought the melancholy atmosphere. “For the majority of our friendship I thought Ryan was straight so I had already given up from the get-go. I was content to just be his friend and hopelessly pin from afar as I slowly become a crazy cat lady to compensate for my loneliness and endless misery. I was just, full on ready to never be able to be with him or anybody else for that matter because I knew I’d never be able to love another human being as much as I loved Ryan Bergara.”

Shane chuckled down at his lap, a tiny little smile pulled at his lips, “And of course Ryan responded with: ‘I live in LA I’ve sucked a few dicks in my life, you moron.’ It may not be the most romantic thing for the majority of people but I was fucking swooning so…I’m very easy to please. Or maybe it’s just because it was Ryan who said it.”

Shane’s face grew soft with affection, hiding his laughter behind the palm of his hand, “Jesus Christ, I love him so much.”

“Are we done now?” Andrew whined “I miss Steven! I wanna go see him!”

“Uh, actually, hold on a minute, we have an idea.” The producer said with mischief in their voice as the three men groaned and complained about being tired and missing their boyfriends.

\---

The three inebriated men were sat in various states of boredom and frustration, either fiddling with their empty cups or taping a random beat on the table. The door was heard opened and closed along with shuffling foot steps and a murmur of familiar voices. All three’s heads snapped up to look beyond the camera set up and their eyes widen in awe and amazement as if somebody just offered them the entire world and then some.

“What’s going on?” Steven’s voice drifted through the studio as he and the other two guest got closer to the set.

“Heeeey!” Eugene gasped, looking like he was about to cry again as he grabby hands towards the direction of the chatter.

“Oh my god, what did you do to him?” Zach asked, voice full of concern as he quickly stepped forward to allow Eugene, still sitting down, to wrap his arms around his waist and burry his face in Zach’s chest.

“They made me feel things.” Eugene whined, rubbing his face into the softness of his boyfriend’s shirt as Zach carded his fingers through Eugene’s hair.

“How much did you give them to drink?” Ryan wheezed, though there was a hint of worry in his voice. Shane smiled widely, slouching across the table and trying to reach out with his hands, “Ryan, you’re here!”

“Steveeeeen!” Andrew reached out with his own set of grabby hands and a high pitch whine “I missed yoooou! I wanna hug toooo!”

“I’m gunna go ahead and say they’re completely wasted.” Steven giggled as he went around the table to hug Andrew from behind, laying his chin on top of his boyfriend’s head. Andrew practically purred at the contact, a happy little hum coming from the back of his throat as he laced his fingers through one of Steven’s hands and lifted it to kiss at the palm.

“You think?” Ryan replied sarcastically, taking a tentative step forward towards his boyfriend “Shane only acts like this when he’s completely shit faced so I don’t – ahk!”

Ryan shrieked as large clumsy hands pulled at his waist causing him to trip forward onto his boyfriend’s lap. The giant man giggled giddily, wrapping his arms snuggly around Ryan’s waist and nuzzling into the crook of his neck. Ryan squeaked, blushing furiously at the sudden onslaught of affection, “So, he’s at this stage of drunkenness.”

“Shane has stages?” Zach asked, having moved on from petting Eugene’s hair to stroking gentle circles on his back “Eugene has personas, most of the time it’s ‘escapist Eugene’ or ‘childish Eugene’, what fucked thing did you do to get ‘existentially depressed/emotional Eugene’ to come out?”

“Existentially depressed and emotional?” Steven murmured to himself.

“That…sounds like a lot of baggage wrapped into one thing,” Ryan said honestly as he casually continued to push Shane’s face away from his neck “how many personas does he have?”

“Ten,” Zach replied deadpan, never once looking away from the producer behind the camera “but that really doesn’t matter right now because nobody has yet to answer my question: what did you do to him?”

The producer seemed to hesitate under Zach’s cold, hard glare, “Uh, just a couple drinks and a few questions.”

“What questions?” Zach demanded.

“They – they asked us who has the cutest boyfriend,” Andrew babbled, poking up at Steven’s cheek “I s-said it was Steven but Eugene kept saying it was you. N-not that you’re not cute but like Steven is waaay cuter.”

“Nooo, Ryan’s the cutest!” Shane whined, snuggling a very flustered Ryan even closer to his chest “He’s sunshine in a bottle!”

“I love you so much, you know that right?” Eugene sniffled, wrapping himself tighter around Zach’s waist “You’re like my favorite person and you’re amazing.”

Zach closed his eyes in contemplation, shaking his head in confusion, “Then…why are you upset?”

“Because I love you and you need to know that I love you,” Eugene whimpered, “I love you, like, a lot, like, so, so much!”

“Oh my god.” Zach whispered, desperately trying to suppress the laughter bubbling in his chest. He cradled Eugene’s head in his arms, placing a kiss right on top and whispered into his hair, “I know, I know, I love you too.”

“I love Steven a lot, a lot too!” Andrew beamed, raising both hands up to squish his boyfriend’s blushing cheeks “I’ll love you forever and ever a-and we’ll go on food adventures even after we retire and open up our own v-vegetable farm.”

Steven squeaked, turning an even brighter shade of red, “Andrew, you can’t just say that on camera!”

“Why noooot?” Andrew pouted, turning to kneel on his seat and wrap his arms around Steven’s shoulders as he nuzzled into his neck “It’s all true though, I love you so, so much, Steven!”

Meanwhile, Ryan was being assaulted with rapid fire kisses all around his face and neck as he half heartedly tried to stop his boyfriend’s ruthless charge of affection. He wheezed and snorted as Shane blew a raspberry against his cheek, “Sh-Shane, stop!”

“Say that you love me!” Shane murmured as he mouthed along the line or Ryan’s jaw.

“Y-y-you’re an idiot!” Ryan squealed, his entire body flushed red.

“I love you, Ryan!” Shane cooed, kissing across Ryan’s nose, forehead, and cheek “Do you love me?”

Ryan was finally able to place a hand over his boyfriend’s mouth and glared at him, thought the permanent smile he had on said he was anything but angry, “If I say yes, will you stop?”

Shane kissed the center of Ryan’s hand, eyes sparkling with mischief, “No.”

“What have you done to them?” Steven giggled as Andrew started to take a page from Shane’s book and began peppering his boyfriend’s face in kisses.

“Nothing,” The producer replied with faux innocence “we just asked them how much do they love their boyfriends and they just kind of went off from there. They were very passionate about the subject.”

“Sounds fake but I guess.” Zach chuckled.

“But I do love you!” Eugene sobbed, nosing against Zach’s collarbone “I love you so much!”

Zach giggled, petting over his boyfriend’s hair gently, “I know sweetie, I know. It’s just the producers are a bunch of bastereds who like milking things for all it’s worth.”

“How the hell am I gunna get him into the car so we can go home?” Ryan squawked as Shane finally maneuvered around Ryan’s hand to continue his onslaught of kisses.

“Oooh, if we go home can we cuddle with Obi?” Shane asked, momentarily distracted by the thought of his cat.

“Aww, that sound nice,” Andrew said excitedly “Steven can we do that too, with Clementine?”

“Well, you’re gunna have to help me get you to the car,” Steven chuckled “then you can have all the cuddles you want when we get home, deal?”

Andrew replied with an enthusiastic nod as he carefully began stand, supporting himself against Steven the whole time. Seeing as the promise of cuddles with their pets worked for the other two Zach decided to use that tactic on his own boyfriend to hopefully get him to stop clinging on to him or at least to get him to stop crying.

“Hey, you wanna go see Pesto and Emma?” Zach cooed softly, receiving a small nod against his chest “Well, then you’re gunna have to get up so we can go home now.”

“But I don’t want you to go.” Eugene whined, holding on even tighter.

“I won’t go anywhere, I promise,” Zach said gently “I just need you to stand up for me so we can leave.”

“Okay, so all and all, how would you rate this experience?” The producer chuckled along with the crew, which received three pairs of glares from the sober boyfriends.

“Shut the fuck up and help us.” Ryan snapped and immediately a few interns scuttled forward to help lead each drunken man out of the studio.

“This was actually a lot of fun.” Eugene murmured quietly, leaning his head against Zach’s shoulder as he was escorted off stage.


End file.
